Jokes R Us

[zimagirl79]

To keep from cluttering up the Fun Stuff section with a bunch of joke threads, let's put them all here as replies instead of starting a new thread for each of them. Just hit the reply button or use the reply box at the bottom to add your favorite joke. If we decide the thread is getting too long, we can always start a new one!

[zimagirl79]

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...



1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross

[Maddy]

Hey hope micron doesnt read that considering his last post in my thread i think he's had too much as it is.
Ok heres another one for ya
Aman and wife were out for a walkand came across a wishing well
wowo the man said lets both make a wish
ok the wife said so the man goes first throws his penny in over looks down the well and makes his wish.
my turn the wife says so she reaches over a little too far though and omg she falls in and drowns
oh WOW the husband said i never actually believed these wishing wells actually really worked :P

[Micron]

hahaha funny

[ragdoll26]

Another offering from my friend Jenny...hope you find it as funny as I did!!

Be very proud to be British Because...
____________________________________________
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.


A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................


RULE BRITANNIA?

[xpgeek]

lol, many of those are true for America too.

[ragdoll26]

lol...they probably are for anywhere in the world...that has pizza delivery!!

[xpgeek]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... ......You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*ck away from me."

[xpgeek]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks... "How many is a Brazillion ??!"

[zimagirl79]

It's the spring of 1957 and Richard goes to pick up his date, Maureen.

Richard's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Maureen's father answers and invites him in.

"Maureen's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Richard. Maureen's father asks Richard what they are planning to do.

Richard replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Maureen's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richard and he says, Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Maureen's father, "Maureen really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!"

Richard's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Maureen comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Richard escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Richard.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Maureen rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMN IT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!



*edited to change the young man's name to its full length since it was censored! lol

[zimagirl79]

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -- giving that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[xpgeek]

hahaha that was a good blonde joke.

[Femail]

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

My name is, Paul... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sue. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Sue to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sue. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Paul

[Maddy]

[glow=red:14ff6e3780]CAR-CROSSED LOVERS[/glow:14ff6e3780]


A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'


Something i'd do i think :up:


[glow=red:14ff6e3780] ROUND THE BEND[/glow:14ff6e3780]


A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.


[glow=red:14ff6e3780]NUN OTHER[/glow:14ff6e3780]


A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

[nicolascage_68]

There were 3 people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and
a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to
swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam
out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
"I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got
tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

Finally, the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I
think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten
miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in
sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. :ban:

[zimagirl79]

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? How would you treat them?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?

How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually? What is the alternative... that it stops in mid-air?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

You know how most packages say "Open here" What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

[AmericanWoman]

Harold, the Computer Guy


I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?
What's that . in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"


"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold


Sounds like something I'd fall for :oops:

[FisionChips]

Go to Google and type "French military victories" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

[xpgeek]

Did you mean: french military defeats

HAHAHAHA

Did you hear about the French army rifle for sale on ebay? In perfect condition, never fired, and only dropped once.

What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you? Take the pin out and throw it back.

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

[FisionChips]

http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif

Then there's the Italian tank - 5 reverse gears and 1 forward in case they attack from behind!

[xpgeek]

A teacher trying to educate her students on etiquette posed this question one by one to her class.
"Michael if you were on a date, having dinner with a young lady and had to visit the bathroom, how would you tell her?"
"I'd say excuse me, I have to go for a pee," replied Michael.
The teacher was aghast! "That would be crude and impolite," she said.
"John, what would you say in a similar circumstance?"
"I'd say excuse me my dear, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better," replied the teacher, but it's still impolite to say the word bathroom while at the table. How about you, Peter. Are you able to show us your usual good manners?"
"I would say please excuse me my dear. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, one to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner."

[FisionChips]

:)

A man walks into the office one morning and says that he thinks he has bird flu.

His colleagues ask him why.

he replies:

'Because I've started to wear make up, talk a load of rubbish and can't park the car'.

[xpgeek]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[zimagirl79]

:lol: lmao

[zimagirl79]

I know, most of us have seen this before, but it seems appropriate to show it again....

http://img272.imageshack.us/img272/8466/image54am.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[FisionChips]

Haven't seen a good Ninja funny in ages - long overdue:



http://askaninja.com/node/4396

[zimagirl79]

Ask a Ninja is always great fun!